The Ultimate Guide to Surviving a Wild Karen Encounter This Election Season

The Ultimate Guide to Surviving a Wild Karen Encounter

Did you ever think you’d be needing advice on surviving wildlife in a suburban setting? Well, think again, patriots! Because in today’s world, the most terrifying encounters aren’t with lions, tigers, or bears. Oh my, no! It’s with the majestic Karen in her natural habitat. With election season fast approaching, you may encounter more Karens than you ever thought possible. As always, BWC is here to provide the tools and tactics to navigate the treacherous, terrifying waters of a Karen encounter.

Read On and Learn Step By Step How To Survive a Karen Encounter, Should You Be Unlucky Enough to Meet One Of These Wild Beasts in Public.

Let’s get right to it.

Step 1: Identify the Karen

Before anything else, make sure you’re actually dealing with a Karen. Karen’s can often be identified by certain tell-tale signs:

• A haircut that screams, “I need to speak to the manager” before she even opens her mouth.
• Sunglasses worth more than your weekly paycheck, worn indoors.
• A voice volume loud enough to scare away small children and make even the most vicious dogs run for cover.
• An uncanny ability to find fault with literally anything and everything, from the room temperature to the curvature of a banana, to how the server didn’t address her as “Ma’am.”

Step 2: When You’re Sure You’ve Identified a Real Karen, Try to Blend in

Camouflage is key. If you notice a Karen approaching, swiftly change the topic of your conversation to anything regarding organic almond milk, how hard it is to find good help these days, the latest sale at a high-end store, or… just start complaining about pretty much anything you can imagine (snowflake liberals is always a good bet.) This may fool her into believing you’re one of her kind. Remember the best Karen encounter is no Karen encounter at all.

Step 3: Avoid Direct Eye Contact

Direct eye contact with these ferocious beasts might be seen as a challenge. If the Karen feels threatened or slighted in any way at all, she’ll almost certainly whip out her iPhone X47A (because, of course, she always has the latest) and start recording to ensure she documents your “appalling behavior.” (towards her of course.)

Step 4: Try Speak Her Language

If you do unfortunately have to engage, throw in phrases like “All-natural,” “Gluten-free,” and “Non-GMO.” Even if they make zero sense in context. For example:

Karen: “Why is this line moving so slowly?! I’m in a hurry! My labradoodles are waiting on their freshly baked chewys and they’ve waited long enough! Hmmphh!! Get me the manager!”

You: “I believe the cashier is all-natural and gluten-free today, ma’am.” If that fails, make sure to let loudly proclaim, “MAGA!”

Step 5: Call for Backup

If things get heated, call in reinforcements. You should never feel you have to face a Karen encounter alone. A well-placed barista offering an organic pumpkin spice latte can often distract and appease an agitated Karen.

Step 6: Defend Yourself

In the rare case a Karen becomes especially aggressive, throw a coupon or a sale flyer in the opposite direction. The chance for a deal (or something free) will likely cause immediate distraction. Always, ALWAYS carry a few expired coupons with you for such an occasion.

Step 7: Retreat Gracefully

While it’s tempting to get the last word in, sometimes it’s best to just slowly back away. And if the beast follows? Climb a flight of stairs. Her high heels will most likely deter her from pursuit.

Step 8: Document and Share

Once safe, regale your friends with tales of your wild Karen encounter. Because if you survived a Karen in the wild you deserve your accolades and respect. You’ve earned it, my super patriot friends.

To Sum Up

Encounters with Karens, as difficult as they are, are a rite of passage in today’s modern world. But with the right tools and attitude, you can navigate these meetings with grace, humor, and maybe your faith in humanity still intact.

Stay safe out there, super patriots! Until we meet again in what is hopefully a Karen free environment.

Your faithful servant and world’s best American, Polly Politix, signing off.